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We’ve all seen the exercise bike commercial by now, right? The one where a smug-looking guy gives his rail-thin, fit-looking wife a Peloton. The one where she documents the struggles on a bike during the 30-second commercial. The one that made us want to barf.

Dear Uterus, The time has come for you to go. And, I’d really like for you to take all your little friends with you. You’ve been a good companion for some of our 54 years together. But the thing is you’ve really outstayed your welcome. To put it bluntly, Uterus, you’ve wreaked havoc on my life right around the time AARP fliers started arriving in the mailbox. Sure, we’ve been through a lot together, Uterus. I would be remiss if I didn’t thank you with all my heart for the early 1990s. You cradled my two babies for nearly 19 months. Healthy, beautiful babies, who have grown into two of my favorite people in the world.